A few people have asked me about my gender identity, and generally I don't care too much about the labels used. On the other hand, I see plenty of people who are curious, and plenty of people who lack the decency to treat others with the respect they deserve. The latter is not okay, and I'm happy to discuss and explain things.

While I personally do not feel bothered about how strangers perceive or refer to me, this is not the case for everyone in the queer community. As such, I will attempt to summarize my thoughts on gender here. First, a summary on my own preferences. Then, a more generalized reflection on theory.

Okay, so you’re fine with my gender expression…

But this is not about you.

It’s about me. It's about us. It's about those who don't have the courage or ability to push through the hardships.

It’s about the fact that I get reminded each day about the gender roles existing in society. It’s about the fact that I had to alter my physical appearance, such as cutting my hair for work some years ago, while others are not subject to the same conditions. It’s about the fact that me polishing my nails makes people around me think I’m fragile and afraid to get my hands dirty. It’s the fact that I can’t go around wearing leggings alone in the city because someone might not be okay with my personality expression. It's about the expectation that I should take charge and show initiative for doing things. These are just some examples of things that I have personally been charged guilty for.

Gender roles should be abolished, and you probably agree, even if you think there are only two genders (spoiler: they’re both social constructs which make as much sense as the hypersexualization of young girls). The fact that I am born with a penis makes people expect me to be strong, authoritarian and dominant¹. The fact that I have a penis has nothing to do with it. That’s a consequence of how society (and not exclusively our parents) raised us as individuals. I don’t like these preconceived mannerisms and expectations.

When you use male pronouns referring to me, your intention is probably not to remind me of this fact. The fact that I am not free to do whatever the fuck I want. And you probably agree, gender roles suck. Nevertheless, I prefer people to treat me in gender neutral terms because it shows support. It shows that you agree I am free to do what I want, and that you don’t really care. If and when you use male pronouns, I do not feel attacked by you personally, except if this is done intentionally to mock or belittle, but it does remind me of the deeply flawed society we live in.

Because I don't agree with gender, I also don't agree with gendered pronouns. This is why I prefer they/them pronouns.

¹: hyperbolic

I've attempted to define and explain gender as a concept a few times, and I have realized there are plenty of ways to interpret the word gender depending on context. Over the years, I've assembled this table of different types of gender, which people don't even realize are different things most of the time.

When we say «gender is not binary», what we actually mean is that there are more than two combinations of the pick-and-choose from this table.

Biological:
• Genitalia: Refers to primary sexual characteristics present at birth, such as a penis, vagina, or intersex variations, alongside secondary traits like breasts or facial hair that develop during puberty.
• Genes: Involves chromosomes that typically define biological sex, including XX (commonly female), XY (commonly male), and variations like XXY or XYY, which can lead to different developmental traits.
• Hormone balance: Describes the levels of hormones like testosterone, estrogen, e.g., which can influence everything from physical traits to mood and behavior.

Identity:
• A box to fit in: Represents a personal label or identity that resonates with someone, encapsulating core aspects of who they are.
• Gender expression: How an individual presents and expresses themselves through actions, clothing, and speech, which may or may not align with societal expectations of gender.
• Community: The social groups or communities with whom one identifies and feels most at home, often sharing similar identities, experiences or friend circles.

Social:
• Assigned gender ➝ Taught gender roles: The gender assigned at birth which sets the path for the roles and behaviors you're taught and expected to act by within your culture and/or society.
• Societal gender: The privileges or disadvantages a person experiences based on societal assumptions about their gender.
• Political gender: Involves the recognition and rights afforded to individuals based on their perceived or attributed gender.

As part of a course I took about the Philosophy of Feminism a while ago, I wrote an essay about The relationship between Gender and Neurotypes. It discussed how the idea of neurotypes (i.e., autism, ADHD...) relates to the history of feminism, while contrasting it with other recognized authors who have discussed the notion of gender as they see it. Feel free to read it in its PDF form here (12 pages, fairly easy read). My first draft for this essay was around 30 pages—without citations and sufficient argumentation—, but I had to cut it down due to course restrictions. I may get back to writing it anew in its full finesse at some point.

Note that I am not a doctor, or medical expert, so feel free to correct me on the relationship(s) in biological gender. A few people disagree with community being a part of one's own gender, and I personally have mixed opinions of it myself. I am including it on the premise that it's a gray area.

To finalize, I'd like to mention that I'm perfectly happy discussing any of the points I've brought up here. If something isn't clear, please let me know so I can update it. Otherwise, if you disagree with something, feel free to tell me: I'm happy to discuss it in detail, as long as we agree on what we're talking about.